Booyah!

Jeeesh... Citations

You'd think with all the internet whizz-bangery technology out there, it'd be SO much easier to post stuff online. Not, apparently, with my internet connection.

Anyway, my dear 12s who are reading this and need to figure out how to cite, check out

http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/557/01/

Scroll to the bottom, the info you want is between sections 6-10

Those of you who are reading this and are in Philosophy and are confused about what you're supposed to do for the philosophy assignment and didn't get a chance to ask today in class:

Whatever you learn from your partner, whatever information or pictures you take, talk about how it relates to metaphysics: You may want to relate it to their knowledge of self, their belief in God or reality (Monism and dualism, anyone?!?), or relate it to things we've discussed in class - What do they believe to be true? How do they know it? Use the personal experiences, values and ideas that your partner has talked to you about to answer that. .

Blowing In The Wind

It's 11:45 P.M. on June 29th.

I'm pondering my life as it stands. I'm about 15 minutes I'll be 26, and I'm not really... sure where my life is headed. I don't really know right now, and as it stands, the older I get, the fewer answers I realize I have.

I have to accept it with grace, I suppose, the inability to find the answers I need to questions I have. I don't really know how to handle it, though - A continent away from a lot of things I know and a lot of people who give me guidance, it's sort of tough to get a handle on a lot of things that have been buggin' me.

I feel disoriented, and I'm not really sure where to go from here. I'm just... Groping for answers in my life, I guess.

To paraphrase...

To paraphrase F. Scott Fitzgerald, 3 A.M. is the midnight of the soul.

It's midnight on Wednesday, and I'm unsettled. Thankfully, almost nobody reads this blog, so I don't really have to worry about having a wide, unfettered audience.

I'm anxious about work, specifically because I think I fucked up pretty big. I'm a joker and I like to get along with people, but this apparently has rubbed some of the people I work with the wrong way, and they've gone to my superiors about it. 

This in itself worries me, as it would anyone else. On top of that, though, this happens in my career. The job that I love doing. The job I want to get up every morning and be thankful for.

You see the issue? How can I fuck up at something I love? This is my fear of failure manifest, and it scares me. I don't want to fuck up, I don't want to do this badly when so few others do... Why must I fuck up? Really? I mean, there are so many people in the same stage of my career who never go through this, who never fuck up this badly because they're better at it, or have a better mindset, or are just... better.

I don't know what to do. It's not a monstrous huge career-ending misstep, but there stands a good chance of it hurting my chances for future employment, mos def after I get off this contract. 

Geesh, and I thought life was supposed to be simpler than this. I guess all I can do is walk in, face the music, admit I fucked up and learn from it. Learn from it and be a man about things.

I dunno... I can't sleep because of it - I don't have the ability to turn shit off and just sleep - I wish I could, because it'd make life so much easier, especially since sleep hasn't been a particularly good friend of mine lately.

Well, on the plus side, I've got family. Man, I don't know how I'd handle this without family. And pops, who said "This too shall pass."

Sometimes, all I can do when I fuck up is to leave it in the hands of Allah, who has seen me through countless trials, and given me the strength to keep moving. It is in Him that I lay my life, and in His hands that I can find what I need to live. 

I'm starting to think that Allah has made Himself manifest in the people around me. I see a little bit of the Divine in all things, but I see it especially in the people who I love the most, and it astounds me. The power of the Divine, the infinity of it, are contained in my mother's smile and my father's ever-ready hugs. It just lends itself to my belief - the Divine is everywhere, and miracles are only the most egregious examples of its existence. 

Hopefully, I will take this as we take all struggles in life - With humility, grace, and an understanding that this obstacle was meant to be overcome, not to overcome me. I will be a man and learn from it what needs to be learned, and be a better person for it. 

I have done stupid things before, and will do stupid things again, but hopefully I will not repeat the same stupid things over again. I think everyone in my profession goes through what I'm going through at least once, and so I must take as such. 

Fuck 'em

You know what? Fuck 'em.

Fuck the people who make my life hard.

Fuck the unfriends, who ask things from you and give nothing in return.

Fuck the people who want you to give without giving you a reason why.

Fuck my career that asks me to give blood and wait.

Fuck them all.

I don't need friends like the ones I have, I need people. I don't want friends who'll ask favours and never return them, never show gratitude, and generally fuck right off to prevent ever having to admit knowing me.

Mostly, fuck them for getting so under my skin.

Fuck the job I'm supposed to have, that's supposed to be my career and supposed to keep me at a good place in my life.

Fuck my medication that makes me slow-witted and weight-gaining.

Fuck my life that constantly disappoints me, pisses me off, and tries to tempt me with an occasional ray of sunshine.


It may be Christmas, it may be a great time of year, but I know two or three people I can really count on to be good people. The rest can go fuck themselves.

Let's see just how many people actually want anything to do with me. Let's just see if any of my friends, after being gone for a while, want me around. Those that do, great. Those that don't...

Well, we all know where that's going.

As for my job, fuck it. I can't leave, but I don't want to stay. I don't like what it is or who I am, but it's all I've got to hang onto right now, so we'll see where it goes. I don't like waiting, I never have, but I like it even less when there's no indication about when it'll end.

And finally, my life: Fuck it. Fuck the rare moments of happiness followed by crippling sadness. Fuck the triggers that give me bipolar attacks for no fucking reason. Fuck it all.

I just want to pull the trigger and get out of here.

Untitled

I was struggling over a name for this blog for a bit, decided to give up and go the tortured-artist route with "untitled" :P.

iT was SurprisingLy cold YestErday. I was at a wedding in York when I realized that it was about 1ºC outside. Cold enough to stop the heart, even at a wedding.

For all the fervour around weddings, I... I'm not a fan of them. They depress me surprisingly much. I think it's the number of couples I see at a wedding; it's depressing to think that so many people have found someone and I haven't, blah blah blah. I know how formulaic this sounds, but every time I walk into a wedding reception, I get a familiar feeling of tightness around the brain, like someone's squeezing my mind into a head a size too small. I don't know what brings it on, but I venture it's the number of people around me. I have never actually found good conversation at a wedding. Maybe once or twice, but I've never really found anyone entertaining to talk to, despite myself starting conversations and trying to entertain. Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on that.

Why is it, then, really, that weddings seem to depress some people? Is it the love in the air? I think it's a reminder of things we don't have... yet. At least, I know that's what it is for me - A remembrance of things yet to come, to paraphrase Proust. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to bother with weddings, but that's the antisocial part of me coming to the fore. I'm sure they're entertaining, but other than my best friend's and perhaps my sister's, I haven't really been to a wedding I enjoyed. It's a shame, too.

I think it all comes down to, I wish I had my shit together as these people do. I wish I was in control of my life. There are a thousand arguments around that, so I won't get into it today, but I will just say that. And that's all I'll say for now.

Peace,

K

Manic Monday

Appropriate, isn't it, to have a manic Monday, seeing as how I'm bipolar? Never let it be said that I don't have a sense of humour. Albeit a dark one, but a sense of humour nonetheless. It's shaping up to be an unseasonably warm day out today, 24ºC to be exact, which makes it one of the warmest fall days on record. Despite the clear skies and good weather, I'm a tad depressed - Probably because I've been indulging in a favourite habit a tad too much. Just so you all know, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and I'm going to have to indulge less if I want to keep myself mentally stable :P.

My weekend was good, if a little quiet. Then again, my weekends are always quiet. Discovered a nice new Chinese resto which surprised me quite a bit, as I didn't expect it to be so good for its location.

Despite all the stuff I'm doing to keep myself busy, my life still feels so empty. I don't think anything's wrong, I just feel really empty, like I'm not doing a particular something. Obviously, being unemployed has something to do with it, but still... I can't believe I'm feeling quite so... wiped out. I'm sure there are other teachers in my situation, but it still feels so lonely, I don't know what to do.