Blowing In The Wind

It's 11:45 P.M. on June 29th.

I'm pondering my life as it stands. I'm about 15 minutes I'll be 26, and I'm not really... sure where my life is headed. I don't really know right now, and as it stands, the older I get, the fewer answers I realize I have.

I have to accept it with grace, I suppose, the inability to find the answers I need to questions I have. I don't really know how to handle it, though - A continent away from a lot of things I know and a lot of people who give me guidance, it's sort of tough to get a handle on a lot of things that have been buggin' me.

I feel disoriented, and I'm not really sure where to go from here. I'm just... Groping for answers in my life, I guess.

To paraphrase...

To paraphrase F. Scott Fitzgerald, 3 A.M. is the midnight of the soul.

It's midnight on Wednesday, and I'm unsettled. Thankfully, almost nobody reads this blog, so I don't really have to worry about having a wide, unfettered audience.

I'm anxious about work, specifically because I think I fucked up pretty big. I'm a joker and I like to get along with people, but this apparently has rubbed some of the people I work with the wrong way, and they've gone to my superiors about it. 

This in itself worries me, as it would anyone else. On top of that, though, this happens in my career. The job that I love doing. The job I want to get up every morning and be thankful for.

You see the issue? How can I fuck up at something I love? This is my fear of failure manifest, and it scares me. I don't want to fuck up, I don't want to do this badly when so few others do... Why must I fuck up? Really? I mean, there are so many people in the same stage of my career who never go through this, who never fuck up this badly because they're better at it, or have a better mindset, or are just... better.

I don't know what to do. It's not a monstrous huge career-ending misstep, but there stands a good chance of it hurting my chances for future employment, mos def after I get off this contract. 

Geesh, and I thought life was supposed to be simpler than this. I guess all I can do is walk in, face the music, admit I fucked up and learn from it. Learn from it and be a man about things.

I dunno... I can't sleep because of it - I don't have the ability to turn shit off and just sleep - I wish I could, because it'd make life so much easier, especially since sleep hasn't been a particularly good friend of mine lately.

Well, on the plus side, I've got family. Man, I don't know how I'd handle this without family. And pops, who said "This too shall pass."

Sometimes, all I can do when I fuck up is to leave it in the hands of Allah, who has seen me through countless trials, and given me the strength to keep moving. It is in Him that I lay my life, and in His hands that I can find what I need to live. 

I'm starting to think that Allah has made Himself manifest in the people around me. I see a little bit of the Divine in all things, but I see it especially in the people who I love the most, and it astounds me. The power of the Divine, the infinity of it, are contained in my mother's smile and my father's ever-ready hugs. It just lends itself to my belief - the Divine is everywhere, and miracles are only the most egregious examples of its existence. 

Hopefully, I will take this as we take all struggles in life - With humility, grace, and an understanding that this obstacle was meant to be overcome, not to overcome me. I will be a man and learn from it what needs to be learned, and be a better person for it. 

I have done stupid things before, and will do stupid things again, but hopefully I will not repeat the same stupid things over again. I think everyone in my profession goes through what I'm going through at least once, and so I must take as such.